So many of you have left messages and sent emails wondering how I'm doing...I sent this email to a best friend of mine this morning, and realized after re-reading it, that I really couldn't say it in any better way. Thank you so much for all your love and support. I'm doing much better.
I'm home from church today. brent took the kids so i could squeeze in some of the last rest i'll get before monday comes and we're back to the grind around here. plus i wasn't ready. i wasn't ready for all the stares and I'm sorry's. I know everyone means well, i just didn't want to be reminded over and over yet.
the surgery went well. things went as they should have i guess. it was a good thing for me. it did what i had hoped ...in just providing some closure. the thing i hate is that my body now feels hollow. i felt it immediately after surgery...the baby was no longer in there...just a sad, empty, hollow feeling. maybe it sounds strange. i was trying to explain it to brent...but when you know you're having a baby, you somehow, even early on, feel full. feel like you're nurturing and carrying around something special, a miracle inside you that makes you feel bigger and taller and somehow unique. now... there's nothing. that's the good and bad part i guess. up until the surgery i still felt that, and i resented it. i felt like the baby was still alive in there, but knew it wasn't. i also feel this weird resentment toward my body. i have always trusted it. trusted it to just do its thing, and to take care of my babies and my feelings, and now i just feel unsure and upset. i feel unsure about getting pregnant again, and wonder if i'll constantly question my body's ability to care for and nurture a baby. i hate that out of control feeling. i hate it.
i haven't had a whole lot of bleeding and cramping has been minimal so i feel blessed that I'm recovering well and feeling good. i still have tough moments but ya know, overall my mind has just completely turned...I just feel this completely overwhelming sense of gratitude. i think it's a thankfulness for a true understanding of Heavenly Father's plan. in place of the pain that was there, I just feel such thankfulness that I've been given the strength to deal with this and to move on AND to feel like things will be okay. also I've never really had a true personal tragedy and so i've never had the opportunity to be served like i've been this past week. I'm normally very private and even introverted when it comes to dealing with things (you know that), but it's really been the healing measure for me. i can't even begin to tell you the outpouring of support and meals and flowers and cards and emails that people have dropped by and sent. it's been absolutely AMAZING to me, and has SOOO built my testimony of service and the healing effect that it can bring. i've resolved to be much better about it myself and to try to bear other's burdens in a more sincere way. Lastly it's brought brent and I closer than ever before, I don't know what i would have done without him this week coty ...he's been so supportive and understanding and just so empathetic. i just feel SO very blessed through all of this.
having said all that...it's hard to believe that tomorrow is monday and i'll be alone. I'm sure the moments will creep in then, and i'll feel sad all over again. I'm trying to soak up all this rest and time with my family, but i can feel it slipping away. ugh, speaking of slipping away i guess i better get back in bed, i promised brent i would sleep and rest. one thing that i have had is ALOT of headaches. i've pretty much had a headache for a solid 4 days now. I'm not sure why, i never really get headaches, maybe it's just from all the crying and from all the medicine i got during surgery. i got ALOT of medicine. i have a history of sickness with anesthesia so they loaded me up...plus i ask for something for anxiety before the surgery. just for a few moments i didn't want to feel anything; I wanted to be completely numb. i felt entitled. i have to admit, it was nice.
well, sorry for all the ramblings and weirdness, even i can't get a handle on my feelings lately:) i just had to get it all out. i spoke yesterday at my niece's baptism, and preparing for that really helped, i could have chosen not to do it. i mean if there was ever an excuse right? (you should see me, I'm extremely swollen and look like a train wreck) but i could feel that Heavenly Father wanted me to....like He knew i could (was sorta rooting me on), and that it would help me heal. it did.
anyway, i love you. hope things are good up your way and that you're happy:) chat at me later. love me.
the surgery went well. things went as they should have i guess. it was a good thing for me. it did what i had hoped ...in just providing some closure. the thing i hate is that my body now feels hollow. i felt it immediately after surgery...the baby was no longer in there...just a sad, empty, hollow feeling. maybe it sounds strange. i was trying to explain it to brent...but when you know you're having a baby, you somehow, even early on, feel full. feel like you're nurturing and carrying around something special, a miracle inside you that makes you feel bigger and taller and somehow unique. now... there's nothing. that's the good and bad part i guess. up until the surgery i still felt that, and i resented it. i felt like the baby was still alive in there, but knew it wasn't. i also feel this weird resentment toward my body. i have always trusted it. trusted it to just do its thing, and to take care of my babies and my feelings, and now i just feel unsure and upset. i feel unsure about getting pregnant again, and wonder if i'll constantly question my body's ability to care for and nurture a baby. i hate that out of control feeling. i hate it.
i haven't had a whole lot of bleeding and cramping has been minimal so i feel blessed that I'm recovering well and feeling good. i still have tough moments but ya know, overall my mind has just completely turned...I just feel this completely overwhelming sense of gratitude. i think it's a thankfulness for a true understanding of Heavenly Father's plan. in place of the pain that was there, I just feel such thankfulness that I've been given the strength to deal with this and to move on AND to feel like things will be okay. also I've never really had a true personal tragedy and so i've never had the opportunity to be served like i've been this past week. I'm normally very private and even introverted when it comes to dealing with things (you know that), but it's really been the healing measure for me. i can't even begin to tell you the outpouring of support and meals and flowers and cards and emails that people have dropped by and sent. it's been absolutely AMAZING to me, and has SOOO built my testimony of service and the healing effect that it can bring. i've resolved to be much better about it myself and to try to bear other's burdens in a more sincere way. Lastly it's brought brent and I closer than ever before, I don't know what i would have done without him this week coty ...he's been so supportive and understanding and just so empathetic. i just feel SO very blessed through all of this.
having said all that...it's hard to believe that tomorrow is monday and i'll be alone. I'm sure the moments will creep in then, and i'll feel sad all over again. I'm trying to soak up all this rest and time with my family, but i can feel it slipping away. ugh, speaking of slipping away i guess i better get back in bed, i promised brent i would sleep and rest. one thing that i have had is ALOT of headaches. i've pretty much had a headache for a solid 4 days now. I'm not sure why, i never really get headaches, maybe it's just from all the crying and from all the medicine i got during surgery. i got ALOT of medicine. i have a history of sickness with anesthesia so they loaded me up...plus i ask for something for anxiety before the surgery. just for a few moments i didn't want to feel anything; I wanted to be completely numb. i felt entitled. i have to admit, it was nice.
well, sorry for all the ramblings and weirdness, even i can't get a handle on my feelings lately:) i just had to get it all out. i spoke yesterday at my niece's baptism, and preparing for that really helped, i could have chosen not to do it. i mean if there was ever an excuse right? (you should see me, I'm extremely swollen and look like a train wreck) but i could feel that Heavenly Father wanted me to....like He knew i could (was sorta rooting me on), and that it would help me heal. it did.
anyway, i love you. hope things are good up your way and that you're happy:) chat at me later. love me.
7 comments:
Thanks for sharing this. I'm thinking of you guys. Let me know when you're up for a chat/visit. Hope to see you soon!
smooches.
mmmm. i love you, chiquita.
oh, and the place is ixtapa. on the pacific side of mexico, about 2 1/2 hours north of acapulco and a few hours south of puerto vallarta. we love it because it's pretty tranquil, less touristy, but really beautiful. go, plan a trip, and we'll meet you there.
I've been through it, and I know what that emptiness feels like. I am sorry you've had to experience a miscarriage. I wish for you health, comfort and peace during this time.
I understand what you are saying. I am glad you are feeling better. It is okay to still have those moments of sadness, it does get easier. There are still times that I wonder, what if? But it is the way it is because it is Heavenly Fathers plan, which you understand. Take care
It is nice to know the plan of Salvation huh?
I don't know what you've gone through. But I can offer you my support. I CARE about you. xoxo
Sooo have a lump in my throat!!! I love you!!
Post a Comment