DPOI

Disney Movies. People always look at me in disbelief, but even as a child I didn’t like them. I had only ever seen about three (how’s that for a demented childhood) but even at that I wasn’t impressed, what with all their long songs and delusional happy endings; please. In fact I can still vividly remember standing in front of my TV as an 9 year forwarding through each and every song on “Beauty and Beast” thinking, “man who has time for this crap…”

When my first born graced the world, I said out loud on numerous occasions…”my child will never wear anything with a Disney character on it”…why feed the beast I thought. Tacky too. I even secretly smiled inside when someone at church was stunned that my 3 year-old “very girlie” daughter didn’t know who the Disney princesses were.

Well people, things have changed, and life as I know it has become… one big ride on Cinderella’s pumpkin. And now…sadly, it’s not "designer" in this house baby if it doesn't have one of these ladies on it.

grimacing isn't it?

...and so when the opportunity came to go with our cousins to DPOI...that's "Disney Princesses on Ice," for those of you who aren't on your "magical" pumpkin ride yet.

I caved to all things Disney.

Do we have the cutest little princesses you've ever seen or what? The anticipation at this point was almost too much for these guys to handle. It was so fun seeing their excitement.

The show was really fun, beautiful and amazing...quite a production. Even if paired with my other unfavorite thing of all time, ice skating (ugh).

\

Maddie wore a wedding dress. For some reason it didn't cross my mind (surprise) that anyone would dress up, so I didn't take anything (to Hershey). Luckily, our cousins had an extra wedding dress around from Halloween. Turns out it was perfect. At the end, all of the princesses come out in white wedding dresses with their princes. I saw maddie look down proudly at her dress several times and stick her chest out. She told me "she saw all the princesses looking at it." I of course agreed.

I have to admit that it was pretty amazing. The whole show maddie was completely enthralled. She literally never took her eyes off the stage.

I wished for a moment that I was that age and could see it all through her little eyes; everything being so magical and real. And if I'm being honest...when Cinderella came down the steps and got her prince...I might have even shed a tear or two.

...and when the princesses said goodbye at the end...I might have even shed a few more...(okay I was full-on bawling).

and so the moral of the story is...again...

"I eat my words; I was wrong;

kids transform your life...

Disney Is Great!"

better...

So many of you have left messages and sent emails wondering how I'm doing...I sent this email to a best friend of mine this morning, and realized after re-reading it, that I really couldn't say it in any better way. Thank you so much for all your love and support. I'm doing much better.

I'm home from church today. brent took the kids so i could squeeze in some of the last rest i'll get before monday comes and we're back to the grind around here. plus i wasn't ready. i wasn't ready for all the stares and I'm sorry's. I know everyone means well, i just didn't want to be reminded over and over yet.

the surgery went well. things went as they should have i guess. it was a good thing for me. it did what i had hoped ...in just providing some closure. the thing i hate is that my body now feels hollow. i felt it immediately after surgery...the baby was no longer in there...just a sad, empty, hollow feeling. maybe it sounds strange. i was trying to explain it to brent...but when you know you're having a baby, you somehow, even early on, feel full. feel like you're nurturing and carrying around something special, a miracle inside you that makes you feel bigger and taller and somehow unique. now... there's nothing. that's the good and bad part i guess. up until the surgery i still felt that, and i resented it. i felt like the baby was still alive in there, but knew it wasn't. i also feel this weird resentment toward my body. i have always trusted it. trusted it to just do its thing, and to take care of my babies and my feelings, and now i just feel unsure and upset. i feel unsure about getting pregnant again, and wonder if i'll constantly question my body's ability to care for and nurture a baby. i hate that out of control feeling. i hate it.

i haven't had a whole lot of bleeding and cramping has been minimal so i feel blessed that I'm recovering well and feeling good. i still have tough moments but ya know, overall my mind has just completely turned...I just feel this completely overwhelming sense of gratitude. i think it's a thankfulness for a true understanding of Heavenly Father's plan. in place of the pain that was there, I just feel such thankfulness that I've been given the strength to deal with this and to move on AND to feel like things will be okay. also I've never really had a true personal tragedy and so i've never had the opportunity to be served like i've been this past week. I'm normally very private and even introverted when it comes to dealing with things (you know that), but it's really been the healing measure for me. i can't even begin to tell you the outpouring of support and meals and flowers and cards and emails that people have dropped by and sent. it's been absolutely AMAZING to me, and has SOOO built my testimony of service and the healing effect that it can bring. i've resolved to be much better about it myself and to try to bear other's burdens in a more sincere way. Lastly it's brought brent and I closer than ever before, I don't know what i would have done without him this week coty ...he's been so supportive and understanding and just so empathetic. i just feel SO very blessed through all of this.

having said all that...it's hard to believe that tomorrow is monday and i'll be alone. I'm sure the moments will creep in then, and i'll feel sad all over again. I'm trying to soak up all this rest and time with my family, but i can feel it slipping away. ugh, speaking of slipping away i guess i better get back in bed, i promised brent i would sleep and rest. one thing that i have had is ALOT of headaches. i've pretty much had a headache for a solid 4 days now. I'm not sure why, i never really get headaches, maybe it's just from all the crying and from all the medicine i got during surgery. i got ALOT of medicine. i have a history of sickness with anesthesia so they loaded me up...plus i ask for something for anxiety before the surgery. just for a few moments i didn't want to feel anything; I wanted to be completely numb. i felt entitled. i have to admit, it was nice.

well, sorry for all the ramblings and weirdness, even i can't get a handle on my feelings lately:) i just had to get it all out. i spoke yesterday at my niece's baptism, and preparing for that really helped, i could have chosen not to do it. i mean if there was ever an excuse right? (you should see me, I'm extremely swollen and look like a train wreck) but i could feel that Heavenly Father wanted me to....like He knew i could (was sorta rooting me on), and that it would help me heal. it did.
anyway, i love you. hope things are good up your way and that you're happy:) chat at me later. love me.

Brent and I sent this email out to some close family and friends the day we found out about the miscarriage but I realize that there are still so many that don't know. I decided that this was probably the best way to share.

Hello everyone. We received some sad news today and Brent and I decided that we wanted to share with our closest family and friends ourselves. I realize that soon people will start to find out, and we felt that this was the best way to get the word out, so that we didn't have to keep re-telling people. I had my routine 10 week OB appointment this morning and found out that I recently miscarried.

I won't try tell you that I'm not sad because I am. In fact it's a surprisingly devastating thing to deal with and I've felt tremendous heartbreak today. Having said that however, I've been praying for peace throughout the day, and have felt strongly that ALL is as it's supposed to be. This year has been one of a lot of growth for me spiritually. It's been my personal goal this past year to grow closer to the Lord and to be worthy to receive His guidance and direction in my life. I've also tried to seek His will over mine and have immersed myself more than ever in trying to live Gospel and keep the commandments. In some ways I feel like the Lord was preparing me to handle such a personal trial.

Before getting pregnant, Brent and I both prayed for several months that we would have a baby when the time was right and we are comforted by this fact. It just simply wasn't meant to be at this time. I have to believe that Heavenly Father has other things in store for me right now, and that a baby will come at another time..when the time is right. So... things will be alright and I will be okay. I didn't have any symptoms of miscarriage and was completely caught off guard by the news this morning, so I think my healing will just take a little time in this situation. After you've planned and set your mind on the fact that you're adding another special spirit to your family, it's hard to feel that loss... no matter when or how it happens.

I feel a bit too fragile for phone calls at this time, but I would thank you all kindly for your prayers in my behalf. I will have surgery on Thursday, a D&C.

People have always questioned me telling that I'm pregnant "so soon," and though now I can see the definite downside of it, I still wouldn't have done it any other way. We've always said that we weren't "wait around with good news sort of people," and we're not. I'm glad, especially during this time to have the support of family and friends that mean so much to me. We love you all.

Shauna